In the summer of 2014, I began going to Ethiopia by myself for the first time. Following a visit in April 2013 with a long-time donor that included a number of meetings with partners in ‘dimly lit rooms’, our leadership team decided it was best to make sure those visits trips were spent mostly, if not exclusively, experiencing the programs in the field. Business meetings were better off scheduled separately and I didn’t necessarily need to visit a savings group or tour Selam Awassa vocational school. I enjoyed partner meetings and it made sense that me going alone would be a more efficient use of time in Ethiopia.

After my second solo mission, an odd thing began to happen. Initially, it was right before I left and then a few weeks out, and then, as soon as I booked my tickets and just about anytime the trip came to mind. Anxiety at the thought of going would overcome me resulting in a mild stomach ache, jitters, and a general sense of worry. Typically once I left the ground on my first leg – either San Diego to LAX or DC – I would settle in and the nerves would dissipate. But the anxiety was real and impacting even though I couldn’t really ever put my finger on what I was anxious about. Was there something about leaving my family for a week or the work I was headed to do that stirred up these feelings? I know others who deal with anxiety regularly and my experience is somewhat different to theirs. Their struggle is much more challenging. My anxiety is mild and goes away and the most extreme response is typically a short-lived desire for some other job. Nevertheless, after several years, I wanted to understand the root cause of this discomfort and began asking God for some insight prior to my last couple travels to Ethiopia.

I was confident my anxiety was not related to the work in Ethiopia or the travel. I enjoy the journey and am at home when I’m with our partners. I’ve long loved the planning, the back and forth dialogue, and the game of understanding cross cultural communication. Ethiopia is also safe and I’ve never worried about flying, driving on funky roads, having poor internet or limited communication. Not to mention, with iMessage and the usually serviceable internet I am able to stay rather connected to whatever important events are going on at home.

My suspicion was the unsettled feelings were more related to what I was leaving behind. But why would I worry about my family and home life while I was gone for a week. Working moms and dads do that kind of thing all the time. Sara is perfectly fine on her own – it sounds silly to even have to say. And we almost always have lots of help from both sets of grandparents. As I sought the Lord over the last few years, an answer began to crystallize between my last trips in June 2017 and January of this year. What I left wasn’t family, safety, but rather control and an environment where my identify, satisfaction, and peace was in the comfort of our routine. With four school age kids and two working parents, having a modicum of order is good and necessary for everyone. And the Rhodes are not intensely organized or rigid. It’s not in Sara’s or my nature to be. We often manage our life and schedule week to week as its the only way we can keep our sanity and keep up. But my nervousness about a trip to Ethiopia two weeks out of the year exposed how feeling in control, controls me in ways I wasn’t even aware.

God let me peek into my heart to see where his love isn’t controlling me. I was controlling me.

As I recognized this about myself, I knew it wasn’t simply a behavior to fix or a wrong I need to right. Each time I encountered this anxiety and I didn’t know why, I was compelled to ask God for help, turn my attention to him and recognize my simple need for him to be in control. That was the point. I was going to do explicitly Christian work in Ethiopia. We are a family that acknowledges our dependence on God as a part of the normal rhythm of life. Our conversations, prayers, priorities all point toward God as the center, the sun around which our lives orbit. That life can become a routine, a great routine actually, and one God wants us to have. But the small discomfort of a mild anxiety I can’t entirely control arrests me from depending on a routine, and drives me to make sure my heart is still relying on God and not the familiarity and comfort of a lifestyle.

So there I was a about two weeks ago sending my travel agent a message asking for itineraries and prices and sure as the sun rises, the anxiety returned. As usual, I go through the normal steps of reminding myself of the truth about God’s love and my security in him, but those realities don’t have the power in themselves to send the emotions away. I trust and wait and plan my trip regardless. It’s a reminder that no matter how much control I have, I am still subject to the One who spoke and commanded the world into being. He wants me to know and enjoy him and the nagging discomfort I will feel in the coming weeks will point me towards him.

I head to Ethiopia on June 24th for a week. Important meetings await. I will evaluate our small business program to determine whether the structure is best suited to withstand the challenges presented by recent political turmoil and inexperience of the loan beneficiaries. I’m looking forward to meeting some of the key nationals who have risen from among the savings group ranks to become leaders of the movement. I will meet with our Simple Church partners to ensure coaches and mentors are effectively evaluating the health of church starts. I will personally congratulate our two students, Birhanu and Adane who will graduate from Selam Awassa Technical and Vocational College in July before heading out into the workforce.

I will go confidently and sure of good outcomes in my meetings and I always enjoy spending time with the partners who have become my friends. I am sure my family will do fine without me – the kids usually tell me how nice it was for me to be gone for a week. And I am sure that the jitters and shortness of breath will come and go in the next few weeks reaching their peak while I’m packing the day I leave. And I remind myself, “Blessed in the one who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is in the Lord.” (Jeremiah 17:7)

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A few notes about our family, your prayers are certainly appreciated. We are approaching summer which means lots of fun for the kids and Sara away from school. This year it also means another big transition. Sara will be resting from her first year back as a totally full-time teacher. Marni will be preparing for her junior year of high school which means we are starting to seriously talk about college but even more significant is she will start driving sometime in July!  We are eager to have a third chauffeur in the family but don’t quite know how we will feel watching her drive off by herself the first time. Dane finishes fifth grade and will soon be a middle schooler with his Abe. Which means Rome will be all by himself at elementary school for the first time, something that will feel very weird and lonely at first.

Transitions seem to always take casualties in our family. Change affects us all differently and impacts our ability to manage 6 people’s needs and desires. If you have a moment or our family comes to mind, would you pray for us to fully experience these milestones in all their joy, gratitude, fear, and sadness. Ask God to give us a keen awareness of how these great events are also experienced as disruptions and discomfort for some. May we turn to God, in whom we trust, through all the excitement that awaits.