There’s a few commercials running for car manufacturers that highlight the pleasure of just driving in their vehicle. When one of these ads came on recently, Abe commented, “Who would just want to drive a car around?” I agreed, it was somewhat of a silly premise. But that’s the point the company is trying to make. You may not enjoy driving a great deal, but this ride is so appealing, you’ll make excuses just to get on the road. Crafty marketing, but I’m not sure how many customers eventually share this experience, whether they are satisfied with the car or not.
As our kids enter full-time activities age, a common lament of parents seems to be how much time they spend driving. I’m not sure how many find the “you’ll just want to drive this car” marketing convincing. The amount of drive time parents are subjected to makes many think they should don a black suit and chauffeur’s hat. A good modern day interpretation of “Home and Home Again” would be apropos.
Drive, drive drive, it’s a parent’s gig
Home again, Home again jiggity jig.
Piano, taekwondo, go go go!
Home again, home again jiggity jo!
Would love to chat but I gotta split…
Home again, home again, isn’t it time to quit?
No! Get to baseball, no time to rest!
Home again, home again, jiggity jest.
From event to event, all I do is run!
Home again, home again, is this what parenting has become?
Keeping pace can be a bear. I met a mother of four recently whose kids were all high school or older now that said all she remembers during her kids’ elementary and middle school years was driving from place to place every day from 3:30 to 7:30; and perfecting the art of slow cooking. We identify with her experience although we turn to Costco for its culinary perfection more often than not.
What should we make of this ‘rat race’? While I understand the wear and tear such busy schedules can have on families, I often wonder why parents describe their experience as though they’ve been enslaved by lilliputian rulers commanding rapt attention at all times. Rare cases of immature parenting notwithstanding, moms and dads have ultimate say in what their kids are doing. If they’re too busy, cut something out. Paying for them to participate in an activity and then showing up and complaining on the sidelines about the tough schedule seems a bit goofy.
Yet, healthy debate about how our kids should spend their time is worthwhile and of course, every family is different. But back to the driving. For parents who do love what their kids are involved in, driving is a necessary evil, the price to pay for serving their kids needs and desires. But I’ve come to see that time as one of the most important parts of our day. Time in the car presents opportunities that are hard to come by elsewhere: A confined space with no escape route and no good excuse to avoid conversation.
At home, many distractions and other important (or unimportant) tasks create a challenge to connecting with our kids. Any moderately serious topic requires a respectful request for permission that inevitably makes for awkward moments. Parents set off the alarm bells with the approach: “Can I talk to you about something?” While the response from the kids is usually something like a nervous “Uhhhhh……OK?” Or better yet, “What did I do?” In other words, “this is going to be painful.”
But in the car, permission is not necessary. Jumping right into, “How are things with…so and so?” is more palatable for some reason. Follow up questions are acceptable too. And if they’re not, too bad kid because you’ve got nowhere to go. At home, trying to pin them down to get serious or just hear how the day went is like talking to Dug the Talking Dog from Up. “Squirrel!”
There’s all kinds of other benefits to spending time on the road with our children. When they all sing along to every lyric of the latest pop songs, you get a feel for the cultural influences at war for their soul. Which of course leads to deep spiritual discussions about the meaning of life and God and whether you should just Love Yourself or Shake It Off. And nothing ‘boils the sin out of ya’ like a good fight over what seat you should have and whether your whole butt has to be in the seat to claim it, or better yet, whether ‘Shotgun’ automatically means you get to sit up front. But….this exasperating experience is one I’m glad to have for the time being. QT with our kids that I can hardly get anywhere else.
My perspective of drive time may be colored a bit by the hours I’ve spent on the road with our partners in Ethiopia. At least twice a year, I travel 20 plus hours by plane to Addis Ababa with a five our drive to the South awaiting me when I arrive. I plan my trip with the intention of arriving in the morning with as close to a full night’s sleep as possible. I want to be ready to connect with my friends and colleagues. And when our time in the South is done, the ride back to Addis is always an important time to debrief. Much of our strategy has been forged on the two-lane country highway from Addis to Awassa. The training approach of our spiritual development program came about after 3 hours of back and forth discussion in the car a few years back.
Moreover, the time allows us to have long conversations filled with more than just ‘nuts and bolts’. Experience, emotions, history, and context are expressed bringing clarity and understanding among one another. Something more personal takes place on the road than in the office that allows deeper relationships that are key to our cross-cultural productivity. Ethiopian Airlines recently opened a route from Addis to Awassa that would cut down my travel time by several hours. There may be some benefit to this in the future but for now, I don’t want to lose my drive time.
In the same way, I’m sure there’s an alternative perspective that questions our kids’ abundant activities and required driving. But I’ll take the hours we have together because it will gone before long. Hopefully, our relationship will flourish, even when our services are no longer needed.
Keep Your Eye on the Rhodes 